A few months back I did an award-winning piece on things that make me go “hmm.” I had a ton of fun writing the post, and I’ve been meaning to unleash another installment upon an unsuspecting populace for quite some time now. As luck would have it, today is the day. Let’s get right to it, shall we?
Dairy Queen Blizzards — A few weeks back I took some of our kids to Dairy Queen for a treat. Just about all of them ordered Blizzards. When the ice cream came, the cashier held each Blizzard upside-down before handing it over. Now, this isn’t a new practice — I’ve seen employees do it for years — but as I received each one, I started thinking about what a silly process DQ created.
First, have you looked at the person handing over the Blizzard? The level of intensity on his or her face pales in comparison to even the most hardened person. They want you to see the modern marvel of ice cream staying in its place for .3 seconds during the cup flip, and they want you to see it reeeeeeeeal good.
[Look at the upside-down Blizzard. LOOK AT IT, MOTHERFUCKER!]
Next, I’m left to wonder why the Blizzard gets preferential treatment? Why doesn’t DQ show customers an upside-down malt, shake, or ice cream cone? Don’t customers who order those items also want their ice cream to stay put? And, let’s be honest here, folks…ice cream staying in a cup is tiddlywinks. You want to impress me, Dairy Queen? Train your people to be so good with the upside-down thing that they could flip over my soda and lodge an ice cube into the bottom of the straw, keeping the pop in place. Or, even better, tip over my French fries. If they fall out, then the worker didn’t pack that damned container tight enough.
Last, the evil gremlin in me would love to go Candid Camera on the bit and get a job at the restaurant for just one day. I’d start every Blizzard by pouring an inch of boiling water into the cup, then proceed to make the Blizzard in a separate container before transferring it back to the cup with the water. I’d love to see the reactions when the ice cream slid out.
[Sorry, Miss. No idea how that happened.]
Fashion Faux Pas – A very talented author by the name of Kealan Patrick Burke recently wrote a Facebook post that jogged my memory on this one, so credit for this rant goes to him…
My wife has been having the damnedest time finding clothing she likes. It appears that the style this season is billowy, see-through, Bohemian-style shirts. You know, the kind that aren’t form-fitting in the least and require another shirt underneath (unless, of course, you work the Red-Light District in Amsterdam). Try as she might, she can’t find plain cotton t-shirts or tank tops for the spring and summer, which would seem to me to be staples of any female’s wardrobe. That, and my wife doesn’t want to look like she’s wearing a potato sack on her torso. It’s as if some designer was pissed off at strange men looking at his sexy wife and decided, “To hell with this. I’m going to push fashion that is unflattering in an attempt to make my significant other look dumpy.”
Which brings me to a fashion faux pas that I have never been able to wrap my head around: skinny jeans for men. I would have thought this was the brain child of a woman who was angry about uncomfortable bras and underwear created by male designers, but I could be wrong because numerous guys actually wear this shit. And how?! I’m wearing a pair of “Regular Fit” jeans right now, and I can’t get my phone into the front pockets if I’m already carrying my wallet and keys. Short of castrating myself, there’s simply no way I could get the pants higher than my nether-regions. And, if we’re going for broke with the TMI, as I age and it becomes more likely to see the bottom of my scrotum hanging from my boxers instead of the tip of my schvantz, I’d be walking around with the male equivalent of camel toes (i.e. the dreaded moose knuckle), which just isn’t a good look.
[For the love of all that is holy…what is going on with his junk and why would he do that to himself?!]
Guys in Restrooms – While we’re on the subject of men’s groins, can I tackle my gender’s inability to hit the fucking toilet? I mean, seriously, how goddamned hard is it? Last time I checked, the stream of urine coming from the tip of my penis is, what, a couple millimeters in diameter at most? The dimensions of a standard wall urinal have to be something like 12”x18”, give or take. So can someone please explain to me why I need to don hip waders to step into the pool of piss at the base of any given urinal if I need to void my bladder?!
[What bathroom breaks look like in my office building.]
I can understand the piddling if I take my four-year-old into a public restroom. He wants to stand up like a “big boy,” and if the toilet or urinal is too high, it can get ugly. But most people walking into a restroom are young men or grown adults, ALL of whom are capable of getting their pee into the proper spot without making a mess. Not a single one of us should cause a would-be entrepreneur to have to invent something as infantile as this:
[It’s a sad state of affairs when dudes need to have a fly imprinted on the urinal in order to get it right.]
My wife gets incredibly frustrated with me when I get back home from the office (after being away for twelve hours) and make an immediate beeline for the restroom. “Why don’t you go to the bathroom when you’re at the office? Or stop at a gas station on the way?” I try to explain that a public men’s room is one of the filthier places on the planet, and that I try to do my business at home as much as possible. She scoffs, not believing bathrooms are as bad as I make them out to be. If she only knew…
Phew. I never knew I was carrying so much weight from these three seemingly silly topics. I feel better having exorcised them; I’m hoping you had a chuckle or two along the way as well!
Until we meet again…