Gabe’s World: Year Four

Gabe’s World: Year Four

When I started this blog back in January, I didn’t know where it would lead me. I knew I had a bunch of stuff in my head that needed to be exorcised, so the site has been very cathartic in that sense. Initially I created the blog’s Facebook page as a way of segregating my personal page from the stuff I was writing; not everyone was interested in it, so I didn’t want to bug people unnecessarily.

Over time, the Facebook page has taken on a life of its own. It has allowed me to write shorter observations and reviews, as well as create some regular weekly segments. Music on Tuesdays and comics on Fridays have been fun, but nothing has been more popular than the Gabe’s World posts on Wednesday mornings.

Gabe, my four-year-old, started saying funny things a few months prior to the blog’s inauguration. My wife and I had talked about keeping a notebook so we could track his quotes over time. Once the Facebook page started, I realized other people might enjoy his witticism as well. Originally I thought it would be a fairly sporadic bit – how many funny/cute/goofy things can a little boy come up with? – but I was oh-so-wrong in my assessment. I’ve had a saying for every week since the segment’s inception, and I currently have enough in the queue to take me through March 2018, even if he never says another thing. How crazy is that?! Even more amazing is that they come unprompted from anyone; he just comes up to me and says them.

Gabe turns five today. There are numerous reasons it has been a pleasure to be his father; his fun personality would be one of them. Join me in both wishing Gabe a happy birthday, as well as taking a walk back through the past four months’ worth of hilarious Gabe’s World installments.

April 6, 2017
“Dad, it’s a good thing we have air so that farts don’t stick around.”

April 8, 2017
[Gabe looks at my arm and sees a teeny-tiny scratch.]
Gabe: “Dad, what happened to your arm?”
Me: “I was walking in the yard and a tree branch poked me.”
Gabe: “You mean it wasn’t the evil cripple that did it?”
Me: “Evil cripple? Uh…no?”
Gabe: “That’s good. I thought it was that evil cripple again.”
Me: [Shake head, smile, and get out my phone to transcribe the conversation.]

April 12, 2017
“When I was ten years old, I fell down and I thought I hurt my armpit [he points to his elbow] and thought there’d be blood, but there was no blood, I mean, literally no blood. Whoa.”
[I looked at the calendar; he’s still only four.]

April 19, 2017
[My wife and I are debating a topic at the kitchen table when Gabe walks in.]
“Will you two stop argumenting? I’m tired of this argumenting!”

April 26, 2017
[We’re just getting home from a trip to Menards, having purchased all kinds of mulch, soil, weed killer, etc for our gardens. Instead of pulling nose first into the driveway, I position the car to back into the driveway.]
Gabe: “Whoa. Wait, Dad, what are you doing?”
Me: “I’m backing the car close to the garage so we can unload all of the stuff.”
Gabe: “Ohhhhh. You’re doing it like a rich person. Cool.”
Me: “Rich people park backwards?!”
Gabe: “Oh yeah, that’s how they do it alright.”

May 3, 2017: Arya Edition
Arya: [Buries a finger knuckle-deep up her nose.]
Me: [Take off my baseball cap and put it over her head.]
Arya: “Heyyyyy. Now I can’t see my boogers!”

May 10, 2017: 666 Edition
Gabe: “Dad?”
Me: “Yeah, bud.”
Gabe: “Remember that time when we went to that scary 666 house…”
Me: [Stare at him with a confused look on my face.]
Gabe: “…and the door was jammed tight, so we chopped it down with an axe…”
Me: “We did wha–”
Gabe: “…and then we looked at the wall and it said ‘Prepare to Die!’ That was really scary, wasn’t it, dad?”
Me: “Uh.”

May 17, 2017
[I look over and see that Gabe is picking up flower petals that have fallen off of a bouquet and putting them back inside the vase.]
Me: “What are you doing?”
Gabe: “I’m putting the petals into the vase. Everyone knows the old petals will give ‘birf’ to new flowers.”

May 24, 2017: 666 Edition
[My wife’s phone starts ringing.]
Gabe: “Pick it up, pick it up!”
Me: [Look at phone.] “It’s not a number we know, so we don’t have to answer it.”
Gabe: “You should pick it up. It’s that 666 house.”
Me: “Again with the 666 house?”
Gabe: “They’re trying to get us, dad.”
Me: “Why does the 666 house want us?”
Gabe: “They want us for our blood!”
Me: [Stare at him with a confused/worried look on my face.]
Gabe: [Wiggles his eyebrows, smiles a shit-eating grin, and walks away.]

May 31, 2017
“You have to wear green to catch a leprechaun. If you find him and don’t have green on, he’ll pinch you and throw cereal at you.”

June 7, 2017: Arya Edition
[My wife hears two-year-old Arya is on the verge of tears.]
Jen: “What’s wrong, sweetheart?”
Arya: “My butt.”
Jen: “What’s wrong with your butt?”
Arya: “It has a hole in it!”
[Commence tears.]

June 14, 2017
[Gabe is taking a bath and I have just started washing his hair.]
Gabe: “Don’t let the bubbles get in my head. If they do, the bubbles will turn to water on my brain. Then the house will shrink and start on fire and walk away.”
[I sit back, dumbfounded, and wonder how I can capitalize on the weird things rolling around in his head.]

June 21, 2017
“Once I walked by a Lamborghini and it was such a hot car that I got burned.”

June 28, 2017
“Dad, I heard tomorrow it’s supposed to be 196 degrees outside. That’ll be a cozy warm temperature.”

July 5, 2017
[From a conversation with Gabe that took place prior to our trip to northern MN for the holiday weekend.]
Gabe: “I’m so excited to go to the cabin tomorrow!”
Me: “That *will* be fun.”
Gabe: “When do we leave? And when do we get there?”
Me: “We will leave later in the morning, but it takes a long time to get there.”
Gabe: [In a perfect imitation of Dr. Evil.] “I know! It will take one hunnnnnnndred feet!”
[Travel distance is closer to 190 miles, or just over one millllllllion feet.]

July 12, 2017: Naughty Edition
[It’s Monday morning, and I’m in the office for the first time in a couple weeks.]
Gabe: “Where’s dad?”
Jen: “He’s back in the office today.”
Gabe: “Oh great. Now my day’s not worth a shit.”

July 19, 2017
[Various members of our family, as well as my son’s girlfriend, Christina, are having an appetizer and lemonade on the deck.]
Gabe: “I’m gonna be five years old soon!”
Christina: “That’s cool. When do you turn five?”
Gabe: [Thinks for a few seconds.] “Oh, you know, on that day I turn five.”

July 26, 2017: Birthday Edition
“I’m gonna get a Corvette for my birthday. I’ll drive around and pull over my car and pull down my pants and shake my butt. People will throw money at me and that’s how I’ll pay for the car.”

Happy birthday, young man! I hope you have a great day!!

Until we meet again…

Andy

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